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A middle aged man stopped me in the hallway of our block of flats the other day and asked me if I would go into his flat and see if his wife was dead or not.
I said' Why would you think she's dead?'
He replied 'Well, the sex is the same but the washing's beginning to pile up'Big Grin
This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....” Big Grin
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says "What the hell was that all about?"
Lawyer: "Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?"
Witness: "Yes, sir."
Lawyer: "What did she say?"
Witness: "'What disco am I at?'"
Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?"
The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.Tongue

The Brothel
The madam opened the brothel door in Milngavie and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
"May I help you sir?" she asked.
The man replied, "I want to see Suzy."
"Sir, Suzy is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam.
He replied, "No, I must see Suzy."
Just then, Suzy appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Suzy.
Suzy explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.
"There are no discounts. The price is still £5000."
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again.
Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Suzy and they went upstairs.
After their session, Suzy said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"
The man replied, " Edinburgh."
"Really," she said. "I have family in Edinburgh."
"I know." the man said. "Your sister recently died and I am her Lawyer. After the tax-man had taken his share she asked me to give you your £15,000 inheritance 'in the most appropriate way'."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer!Wink
Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?"
Witness: "By death."
Lawyer: "And by whose death was it terminated?" Big Grin
I am passing this on from someone because it definitely worked for me yesterday and we could all use more calm in our lives. Apparently a doctor on the Radio said the way to achieve inner peace was to finish all the things you have started.
So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and before leaving for work this morning I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of chadonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pocket of pranglies, th mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scritpins, the res of tha chesecak and a bax of choclits.
Yu haf ni bludy idr how bludy gud i fele rite now
Trific Blush
So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check
tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the saltBig Grin
Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It’s in the hole. Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. "Are you gonna play golf?" he asks "Or are you just gonna fuck around?"
They say animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming. Like the night before that last earthquake hit, our family dog took the car keys and drove to Arizona.Confused
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.Huh
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