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11-21-2011, 06:11 PM
Post: #51
RE: Coffee Break Laughs
Dai had proposed to Megan and been accepted. "But", added Megan,
before we get married I must tell you something dreadful about my past life."

"No," said Dai, "I won't hear of it. You can tell me after we're married."
After they were married and had set off for their honeymoon in Penarth,

Megan again brought up the subject of her "dreadful secret".

"No," said Dai, "it can wait. Tell me when we're in bed together, that'll be soon enough."

That night as they got into bed Megan declared "Well, Dai, now I really do have to tell you my secret. You see .I'm a virgin."

Dai didn't say a word but put on his clothes and travelled all the way back to his mother's house.

"Dai!" said his mother, "what are you doing here, you're supposed to be on your honeymoon."

"It's no good", said Dai, "I've had to leave Megan; it turns out she's a virgin."

"Well, Dai," said his mother, "in that case you were quite right to come home.

If she's not good enough for the rest of the village she's not good enough for you."
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11-26-2011, 01:32 PM
Post: #52
RE: Coffee Break Laughs
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11-27-2011, 11:30 PM
Post: #53
RE: Coffee Break Laughs
It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter looked like it was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?' 'Our guess is that this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?' 'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it looks like it is going to be a very cold winter.' The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?' 'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.' 'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked. The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood'.
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11-30-2011, 06:28 PM
Post: #54
RE: Coffee Break Laughs
A guy is sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport.
A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.
He decides because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto 'We love to fly and it shows'.

The woman looks at him blankly.

He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto 'Winning the hearts of the world'.

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto 'Going beyond expectations'.

The woman looks at him sternly and says 'What the f**k do you want?'

'Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile on his face.

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12-04-2011, 06:09 PM (This post was last modified: 12-04-2011 07:05 PM by wailingshabbah.)
Post: #55
RE: Coffee Break Laughs

(1) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'.. That will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever : Is a woman's way of saying...Go to Hell...

(9) Don't worry about it, I'll do it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.


A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks.

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.

It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks is that he embezzled from me." The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is.

Enzo signs back, "I don't now what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a big black pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge !"

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
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01-17-2012, 02:59 PM
Post: #56
RE: Coffee Break Laughs
Some people are just not cut out to be married - like men.

Just Dickin'Tongue
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01-22-2012, 07:58 PM
Post: #57
RE: Coffee Break Laughs
I was sitting watching Match of the Day when the Mrs came
into the lounge and says
"Fancy a shag Babe?"
I said, "After the football love"
She said, "You do realise that you can record it?"
I said, "Nice, you get the camcorder, I'll come upstairs when the
footy finishes".

· Americans Jeff & Jim are Siamese twins joined at the hip.
They walk into a bar in New York & order a couple of beers. Barman
serves them and asks

"You guys been on vacation yet?"

"We're off to England next week" says Jeff

"We go every year."

Barman says
"England's great; the culture, history, the Queen. "

Jeff replies "We don't go for that shit, it's the only chance Jim gets to drive the

· My girlfriend has just asked me how many women I've shagged.
I said, 'I really dont want 2 answer that love, u know I've had a past
& I don't want 2 upset u!'
'C'mon' she said, 'I can handle it!'

So I had to sit there and count them all.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, you, 10, 11, 12.

My Wife asked me to go to the Doctors about my Erection problem, she
wasn't pleased when i came back and gave her some Slimming Pills

· A man donates blood to his wife after she is badly hurt in a
car crash.
A few years later they go through a bitter divorce and he demands his
blood back!.
So she throws a tampon in his face and says "there you go you
miserable git, I'll pay you back monthly!" And the moral of this story
is :- Even if a woman eventually pays back what she owes a man!, there
will ALWAYS be a string attached!.

I was at a wedding reception when the dj announced 'all the married
men out there go and stand by the person who makes ur life worth
living'. The barman was crushed to death

My missus asked me to help her stop sucking her thumb, so I drew a cock on it

I reported a dead woman lying in a field to the police. They asked me:
'How did you find her body?' I said, 'Her tits were ok, but the
rigormortis had tightened her arse a bit too much for my liking'

· My wife was in the bathroom for hours getting ready to go
out when finally the door swung open and she said, "Honestly , do I
look fat in this".
I replied, " Yes love, but to be fair, it's only a small bathroom".

Just Dickin'Tongue
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02-08-2012, 10:32 PM
Post: #58
RE: Coffee Break Laughs
Recently a 42 Commando Royal Marine Recce Troop captured a Taliban leader in Afghanistan and took him to a warehouse where they gave him a dice.

The Sergeant says, ''Roll the dice and if you get a 1 2 3 4 or 5 your head comes off''..

The Taliban leader says ''What if I throw a 6?''

The Sgt says.... "you get to throw again".....

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