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Letter for America
07-06-2011, 04:17 PM
Post: #1
Letter for America
Taken from 'Going Dark Again' where the author's brother rings him whilst he is staying at a religious maniac's house in Dallas, Texas.

A visiting professor of anthropology at the University of Aberystwyth, he had produced several papers on the human mind and where he thought mankind was heading. He had telephoned, shortly after a lengthy visit to the pub with his fellow professors, to celebrate the election of Victoria Beckham as the new chancellor. “Look Johnny boy, there’s another 150 million yanks who also believe in creationism and think the world all started 6,000 years ago when this bloke who happened to be passing at the time with not much on that day, decided to stop off for a week and knock up a few million different species of animals, plants, fish, insects - including 250,000 different types of beetle - the right chemicals, laws of physics, the gravitational constant, a couple of thousand rivers and a handful of oceans; and all completed in 6 days, giving him time for a lie in on Sunday, a stroll round that afternoon to check on his handiwork, clean his tools and write a quick instruction book on how to work it all. He then buggers off to continue his wanderings, leaving us to it, and without so much as a backwards glance. He must have done, because if your Praise the Lord friends suggest that he is listening in to all our prayers and we are all his much loved children then any government welfare agency would have had him arrested, locked up for child cruelty and thrown the key away many years ago. That these morons believe that this bloke who knows everything from when a sparrow is going to fart to when the third iguana on the left is going to fuck the fourth iguana on the right and give rise to another family of little iguanas, whilst presumably remembering the birthday of every tsetse fly in Africa, and knowing that by Friday another 45,000 children under the age of 5 are going to die a painful death from malaria, which he could, if he bothered to get off his arse for a couple of minutes, easily prevent, then I think this is a fair reflection on the failures of the educational establishment of that mad country inhabited by descendants of Plymouth Brethren who managed to wipe out the indigenous population, a few million buffalo and 100 million passenger pigeons within a short while of landing. It is they, dear brother, who have voted into the highest office in the world, a raving lunatic who has 16 prayer meetings and bible study lessons going on at any one time and where, unless you’re a bible bashing freak with an IQ just under your collar size, you can’t get elected to the legislature. So don’t take any notice of three million barking mad natives who don’t even know where England is. And if they think that aliens from another planet are going to spend time packing sandwiches, a few crates of Fosters and a chemical toilet into a tin box which will transport them to mother earth in the next seven million years travelling at half the speed of light – and don’t talk to me about travelling at the speed of light because if they did they would arrive before they set off which would be enough to send anyone boss eyed – then they are even more mad. What possible reason would any advanced civilisation have to visit this insane planet, where the human branch of evolution is about to wither and die, having produced the ugliest result yet of Darwin’s pet theory. It might work for a few families of bloody chaffinches stranded on an island off the Argie coast but be buggered if I see it working for homo sapiens. How many attractive humans do you know? Have you spent an hour in Tesco’s lately? What’s with the feet? And we still allow people to wear shorts in public. There’s only one attractive person in the world and Claudia Schiffer is getting on a bit now - and what’s more has never replied to my letters. Are they the slightest bit interested in getting to know us? Can they be bothered with congenitally deranged religious maniacs who are busy slaughtering each other because someone isn’t wearing the right clothing; hasn’t said 50 hail Marys for a week or two or doesn’t sing the hymns loud enough? And how can you sing the hymns loud enough? In the C of E they’re pitched so bleeding high that unless you’ve got a herd of choirboys kneeling at your feet and squeezing your balls in the right places you’ll never reach the end of a verse. No, bro, forget it man – there ain’t no civilisation worth its salt that’s going to waste its time with our lot. The answer to your quest as to why humans are so frigging fat and ugly will not be found in the heavens or by interrogating green eyed monsters. And God the builder will probably not be round again for a few trillion years – he’s probably in a caff in a far off galaxy having a cup of tea and a fag and thinking about which planet he’s going to fuck up next. He’s frightened to death we’ll put a class action on him under the human rights legislation if he ever returns and he’ll end up being tagged for life. We’d have all been fried into oblivion when the sun blows up in five billion years anyway”

Couldn't agree more!

Just Dickin'Tongue
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